Following Our Path Through Infertility

It took me a while to write again because it has been a little difficult swallowing the IVF cancellation and what followed.  It is time to start back blogging.  It will be nice to have this all recorded for my long awaited child to read one day and hopefully I can also help some other people realize they are not alone as they deal with infertility.  Well, as you know the IVF cycle was canceled back in January.  Soon after that I had to do a Clomid challenge to see how my FSH would respond.  According to that, the doctor could better predict what meds I would need for the next IVF cycle.  Well, I was sure that the reason the IVF cycle didn't work was just because we had the wrong IVF med combo.  Wrong!  It turns out my eggs are few and their quality is poor.  The Clomid challenge showed a very high FSH level, 16.9.  Not good.  On February 14th, yes, Valentine's Day, I had an appointment to get the results of the Clomid Challenge.  I was not expecting what I was about to find out.  I had no idea my infertility was as REAL as it was, until that day.  My doctor, soooo very delicately informed me of the results and the meaning.  My husband had to work that day so I had a good friend go with me, who held my hand through it all.  Thank Heavens for good friends!  He told me that I would most likely not have children with my own eggs and that the best option for me is either to adopt a baby or adopt an egg.  I cannot explain the pain this gave me to hear this news.  It was like someone close to me had died.  If you are like me, I have always thought of my future children, how life would be with them, and how I would love them more than any child has ever been loved.  Well, when the doctor told me this it was like all those dreams were shattered.  It was really intense.  They say after hearing news like this you need time to grieve your loss and accept it before you can move on.  I cried awhile, and got it all out.  It took me a little while before I realized that I had no reason to be so sad.  I know that God has a perfect plan for my life and that through His perfect plan I will be a parent but it will just be by a different means than I was expecting.  Being a mom has been a desire of mine starting really early in life, we all have a purpose in life, and I feel mine is to be a loving mother one day who raises her children to love the Lord fervently.  Therefore, of course my children are not going to come to me easily, Satan would never have that.  But through my faith in the Lord I know I will be a mother one day and that my child/children will love the Lord with all their heart.  The path is not always an easy path, boy have we all learned that, but we must be strong until the end, and that is what I will do.  The more I am faithful, the more I see His faith to me.  I don't know how people deal with hard things without having the Lord to lean on, He is my saving Grace, the only way I can be strong.  We were on an egg adoption waiting list starting the first of March.  We just got a call on April 19th that we could choose our donor.  It was sooooo exciting.  We thought we were never gonna get the call, seemed days were lagging by.  We chose the donor, she seems like an angel, actually I am sure she is:)  She is perfect.  She has brown hair, blue eyes, 5'6, 135 lbs., light skin, no health issues, smart, and has the sweetest heart.  She wrote us a little note that was just tear jerking, so kind.  We are now waiting for another couple to chose our donor so that we can begin the process.  We are sharing eggs with another infertile couple.  Some people wonder why not just adopt?  Well, at this time in my life I am doing this for my future baby and for me.  I have received life changing news, that I cannot genetically give life to a child but that I still have the opportunity to carry the baby.  This is the choice I have made based on the fact that I will know more about this child's health history, about how this baby was treated while in the womb.  The uterine environment is a huge factor in the health of a human being. There are studies out there that can link disease and disorders to the uterine environment.  As my mother put it, " Any mother wants the best for their child, and you are just ensuring the health of your child as much as you can."  If it turns out we cannot get pregnant this way  either then we will adopt.  There are no qualms there at all.  I will still ensure the health of my child as much as I can.  Somethings are out of our hands and no matter what I will have the child that is meant to be my child.  I know it is not always about what we want but rather about what our purpose in life is about.  So now we wait a little longer.  Life is good, God is great, and I am happy :)